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No head No problem

by Saeed Al-maisari
(Bangalore, India)




10AM
My day is going smoothly.
I went out, I bought myself the things I love.
I made so many silly faces at children.
I smiled at strangers.
I was dancing around the kitchen floor singing and
cooking myself lunch.
I was so lost in myself that I burned my food.
1PM
The sounds in my head are gone. I have everything.
Food on my table, drinks, fine cigarette, internet access, Netflix.
I tell myself: Life is fair, life is fair sometimes.
3PM
My day was going smoothly until
I found her green earring, the one she lost.
I found it by chance and Suddenly,
I start remembering all her little things.
Her rings, bracelets, the mascara, the eye pencil, her lipstick.
The smell of her perfume.
Her spontaneous smile when I'm reading her a book.
Her clothes that she leaves hanging on the edge of the bed.
She took everything, all little things.
Accept this green earring.
5PM
The sounds and quarrels in my head came back.
There is a hole in my chest, I can feel it and it is expanding.
I have to remove her from my head.
7AM
I stand in front of a mirror in the room.
Two lags, to hands, a chest and a face.
I held a knife towards my face for two hours
waiting for her to come out.
9AM
I opened my face in the mirror.
I found a small bar, marijuana and old music CD'S.
I opened my chest.
I found me inside, walking with crutches and smoking a cigarette.
I got closer and whispered:
Where is the hole?
He answered:
everywhere
where does it hurt?
He answered:
everywhere.
Everywhere.
He was looking so messed up and confused.
He took a quick look at me and said:
Thanks to this cigarette that kept me alive.
10PM
I closed my chest.
I came back to my life.
Here I’m, writing my silly words.
Who will read it anyway..!

Right now I'll close my eyes a little.
I'll swallow myself like an aspirin pill and sleep.
I'll sleep in your shoulder.

( 2 )

Close your eyes.
Sit over there without thinking.
Put the world aside with your left hand.
Hide well.
Hide your details.
Pretend you are not here.
Keep calm.
Pretend that you are a chair.
Pretend that you are a painting on the wall.
Pretend that you are the music coming from the radio.
That is their voices.
I know them.
They are laughing now and speaking a language I do not understand.
Do you hear them?
Do you hear their footsteps in the stairs?
Do not make any moves.
Breathe slowly.
They're getting closer.
Get your head down.
Hide anywhere, inside the cupboard, under the bed, dig a hole for yourself in the ground.
It is humans.
I know their voices.
And they are coming.

( 3 )

I hate ties and
I usually go on a date with jeans.
I'm a simple guy.
I might say “I love you “ for the first time
as we stand waiting for our turn in an oil station
I maybe I'll let you pay the bill in a restaurant without opening my mouth.
I do not make strategies.
I'm Russian in love.
I put the pistol under my chin and press the trigger.
I do not try my luck twice.
I am A Sagittarius.
I'm very emotional, I'm moody
I do not deal with compromises.
I go far in things and i do not go back.

( 4 )

I just woke up.
New day.
Just like all other days.
I make sure there is some money
in my pocket.
I take the bus.
It dropped me in front of my college.
Standing in the middle of the crowd.
Imagining the scene a hundred years from now.
All these people including me will disappear from the face of the earth.
Disappear and become ashes or dust, then everyone will continue his journey.
Muslims will go to their paradise and Jews to theirs and a Hindu will be born again and live a new life, and me, I will be stuck, perhaps in a hole.
Anyways, I'm here now, not yet dead and I have to attend this meaningless classes so I can get a job and work for the rest of my life.

We are workers.
Our personal existence is our job.
We carry the sun on our shoulders throughout the day.
We are the workers of the world.
We go out to work.
We make some noise.
We do meaningless things.
We are like a little gears in a giant machine.
We get paid.
We put some bread and cholesterol in our blood.
We get new problems.
We get new problems bigger and heavier.
We returned to our rooms.
Our rooms have no wives or sons.
Our rooms are cold.
And like every night.
We hug ourselves and sleep.
We sleep beyond our dreams.

( 5 )

Lazy Sunday afternoon, setting around the table.
Staring on the wall for an hour.
I slowly turn my head anti clockwise and remove it.
I through it on the wall, pick it and through it again.
I shake it, trying to make it empty.
This afternoon hours are meaningless.
You can’t do anything in this hours.
You cannot sleep, make love, drink or even shave you beard.

I shout inside my head: I am looooost !!
My head is like a dangerous neighbourhood.
I shouldn’t walk there alone.
I got up and stood in front of the mirror.
He is standing in front of me now in the mirror.
I tell him:
You do not have to shout I can hear you.
I put my hand on my face.
I Smoke, I make silly faces.
He doesn’t do anything I do
I start shouting: I am looooost !!
He tells me:
You do not have to shout I can hear you.

I went out. I parked my life in the roadside.
I opened the front cover of my life.
Nothing seemed to be working.
Damn you 2018 what have you done?
Everything is so wrong.
I was supposed to stop thinking about her every day.
I was supposed to stop thinking about killing myself three times a day.
Everything went so wrong.
I wish I can catch 2018 from his throat.
Push him against the wall.
Whisper in his ear “Take it easy on us “.

Tonight when your sadness comes to your house and nocks the door.
Don't pay attention.
Take some time before you open.
Open without looking into its eyes.
Let it in.
Be busy with something.
Let it spin in the house.
Don't worry about it.
When it starts talking.
Just ignore it.
Tell your sadness that there's coffee in the kitchen.
If it tries to use its hands.
Through it from the window.

Right now it will be good if someone puts his hand on my shoulder
and tells me: You can go now.
I will finish your life from here.
It will be good if somebody puts me in a box
and send me by post to the farthest place in the world.
It will be good if someone enters the room now and
removes my hands from this keyboard.
***

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