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Motherhood is an Option and Not a Necessity

by Sudha Chandrasekaran
(Coimbatore, India)


(Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay)


“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. “

We always find that motherhood and martyrdom go hand in hand… why is it so? Social media is flooded with quotes and messages everyday that glorify the greatness of mom and motherhood. Did anyone pause to think as to what could be behind this worshipped idol? Is it possible that there could be a plain simple girl totally ignorant of all this MOTHER’s glorification and treating her as a superhuman…A mother is considered to be an inexhaustible fountain of unconditional love, and is supposedly the supreme goal of a woman’s life that almost makes her divine. Mothers, since time immemorial have sacrificed their ambitions, desires, and neglected their health as well for the sake of their children. In short, a mother is seen as a personification of flawlessness and altruism… With this image of mother, we are not just able to see our mothers beyond this and we fail to understand that mothers are also human and are as imperfect as many of us are!

The questions to ponder are… Was she always this considerate? Was this immense patience of hers, with which she deals with our flaws and careless ways, present in her at the time of her birth? Was she prepared right in the beginning to shoulder the countless responsibilities of looking after a home and its members? Did anybody even care if she was ready for the noble deeds that she has to do to earn these titles of excellence? Was she made aware beforehand that she will not be able to have any Me-time for herself and she will only be a mother whose time is dedicated solely to her kids and family? Was she allowed any room for mistakes before, since as a mother she is declared to be a representative of a faultless personality? Well, she does not have any choice but to adhere to the expectations and labels the society has set on her.

Research does point to the fact that a mother’s professional commitments are not in any way connected to the growing up of children into emotionally deprived individuals. But a woman is many a time compelled to give up her job when her kids are small. That is the time when she is in the prime period of her career, and hence loses her economic security. This is more due to societal pressure than an individual decision.

A woman suffers from guilt complex if she continues to work outside her home mainly after child birth. Men folk who share the household responsibilities are looked down upon. Many a time we see highly efficient and intelligent ladies turn to full time homemakers to play the role of a ‘RESPONSIBLE MOTHER’. They vociferously proclaim that this was her choice and that she is proud of it. We also hear complaints about housewives not being appreciated and celebrated. But times have changed and women are viewed in a different light today.

Things which were practically impossible generations ago are becoming the norm today. But still the age-old thinking of women being full time homemakers continues in our society.

I definitely do love motherhood and am a mother of two daughters as well. But that alone should not be my sole identity. Placing mothers on par with Goddesses is an offence for there are many women who have deliberately chosen not to embrace motherhood and there are those who are unable to become mothers. .. By projecting a perfect and divine picture of motherhood, mothers are deprived of their desire and ability to live lead a normal life with all its flaws and virtues. Several women without children have lead commendable lives in the society at large.

Ambivalence is yet another quality that is lost owing to the idolisation of motherhood… Ambivalence is a part of human experience. Mother is human too. Our mothers also need space and want to be on their own once a while…There is no need for children to feel sad or disappointed when they realize that their mothers want to take a break from them at times. A woman’s life before she attains motherhood becomes history and her identity is totally lost.

It so happens that she does feel lonely at times when is burdened with several expectations from her role as a mother. Was this her choice? There were so many roles that she had had to juggle without stumbling at all. Did she desire to split into so many personalities working tirelessly round the clock? If you will try and answer these questions, you will start questioning whether it is right to glorify the mothers’ sacrifices. It’s high time we reckoned that before being the epitome of self-sacrificing love, she would have been just another human who would not have liked to be dumped with responsibilities.

The biggest institutionalized violence of the patriarchal society is the idolization of motherhood… This is a normalization of passive violence of crushing a girl’s right to dream and ambition.

Motherhood is considered to be an active choice but it is rather defined by the sacrifices which a mother makes…It was our mothers’ choice to beget us and raise us to become good human beings…We should honour them always for that instead of gratifying them only on special days when their children accomplish something. For, a mother’s worth is definitely not dependant on her child’s achievements or accomplishment. This leads to the conclusion that if the children are not successful then the mother’s upbringing is faulty. But science supports a completely different message, which is quite empowering.

Being a parent can be compared to the time-honoured butterfly that flutters its wings, “Your child is the hurricane, a breathtaking force of nature. You will shape the person your child becomes — just like the butterfly shapes the hurricane — in complex, seemingly unpredictable but powerful ways.”

Yet another danger which arises due to glorifying the ‘sacrifices’ which a home maker does is that it makes the woman who seeks a life outside the home to be branded as a selfish ‘careerist’.

Considerable percentages of women take a break from their career or completely give up their jobs after the birth of their first child if not immediately post marriage. Women need to have the same voice as that of a man in making changes and decisions at the work place. That will not happen if they are encouraged to stay at home.

A woman’s role as a homemaker and mother is to be fully appreciated whereas exalting her sacrifices acts as chain that society fastens her with.

Motherhood can be a beautiful phase in a woman’s life and give her some priceless moments to cherish forever. It could even turn out to be the best life experience for some women. All this is not possible if the choice of being a mother is thrust upon the women, for it is not her duty to become a mother. The society should realize that it should put an end to glorifying her as a mother who always puts her needs behind that of her children. It needs to be understood that she can still be the same glorified woman had she not opted for motherhood… Mothers need to be appreciated for what they are and how they are for they are “perfectly imperfect”.

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