An evening that was..

by Shreya Sathe
(Nagpur, India)

Some moments are meant to be electric. Meant to be eternal. Meant to be subtle yet beautiful. It was one such evening. An evening that resonated with my energy, an evening that was meant to leave a deep dark mark on my mind. A scar? Maybe, I'm not sure yet. Or it is all just in my head, who knows? For I'm a woman with a heart as fragile as my ego and a brain as queer as chili in chocolate.

But for once, my heart and brain sing in unison. That evening was one of the most sensational experiences I've ever had.

I was expecting a clear, starry sky exuding a velvety black hue, just like my heart. I peeped out of the window. Cold raindrops drizzled on my face casting clouds on my velvety heart. Was I happy? Was I sad? Was I expectant? All I could fathom was a chaos deep within me. I was disturbed. I had expected a clear, starry evening for the stars were my only source of light. Light of hope, light of guidance. I did not have that. I was shattered. Rains always meant destruction, rains always brought dark clouds. As dense as the chaos inside me. Chaos that refused to go away. Clouds always brought questions that could never be answered. Clouds always brought melancholy that I wanted to get rid of.

My expectations out of this evening were stooping low. Nature had already turned the tables against me and in favor of my dark, quizzical mind. I paced across the living room. Restless and full of questions. What was going to happen next? Where had all the stars gone when they had promised to be with me? Promised to be my source of hope? I slumped onto the floor. I felt a void inside me. A void darker than the black hole. A void that brought fear to my eyes. Uncertainty to my thoughts and seemingly eternal hopelessness to my heart. I let the moment pass, hoping for the next second to fill this void with all the world's brightest light. And then I saw you. My lip quivered when I saw you all damp as if bringing the rain to me. I looked at you, desperately searching for the lost stars. Hope filled the void. I looked at you, standing opposite me, fidgeting with your phone nervously. I looked at you again, eagerly waiting to get all my questions answered. And in a flash, you took me in your arms. Or I took you in mine; I do not know what happened first because it was so instantaneous. Does it matter anyway? Hardly to me. I buried my head in your chest, wanting to feel the heat of my lost light and in search of the stars I craved to look at. You tightened your grip around me and so did I. In immediate response to you. I wanted to follow your lead for I couldn't afford to lose it. I was still searching for the stars, remember?

You pulled my head up and kissed my neck. Feverish, soft kisses, like bees looking for nectar in the flowers. Sparks flew in me. You had stirred my soul. My hopes had now escalated exponentially. I could feel the stars somewhere so close to me. The light seemed to be waiting for me, too. At the end of the dark tunnel that I was passing through, perhaps? I felt you against me now. Completely. I could feel your energy against me. Was this energy of yours the fuel to take me closer to the stars? My hopes were higher than ever. You bit my lip. I could sense deep desire in you. Was it love? Was it lust? Who cares as long as it was desire. You see desire as desire. You don't care about what its source is. In my eyes, love and lust had no rigid boundaries that evening. I was ready to walk on every path that guided me out of the dark. It was with you for sure. Your kiss told me a thousand things that words could never do.

I kissed you back. I held you close to me. So close that for a moment, my heart counted your heartbeat as its own. You were adding life to me, my dear. You started peeling my clothes off of me. I was ready to shatter every barrier that kept me from you. I presented my body to you and rightfully so. Did that mean you could see the soul lurking behind my body? The boundaries had already diluted just like love and lust. And I did not care as long as I got my light. I had to make a move now if I wanted my answers. I touched you. I pressed my body against you, my desire at par with yours. You were lovely. As my hands caressed your warm chest, I realized you were the magic I've always wanted to see. As my hands moved over your arms, I could literally feel all the strength in you. It was my strength then, in that wonderful moment. It was my power, my ammunition in my search for the stars. As my fingers intertwined with yours, I realized why I had been in deep dark for all this while.

I started getting my answers. It had been your absence that I had detested for all this time. Now that I was so close to you, I realized how much I had wanted you. I realized why I was stuck in the dreadful void. It was all because your energy, your soul had been missing from my life. My hopes were at the zenith. It was an epiphany I had never seen coming to me. As I pressed my body against you harder, I could see a distant ray of light. I was delighted. More than that, I was relieved. For at last, all my confusions would end. All the agony would dilute in my desire for you. I decided to pleasure you. Return all of it back to you. You had shown me the way towards light, towards an extraordinarily powerful energy. I wanted you to experience the euphoria. I wanted to share with you the feeling that you gave me. I decided to fulfill all your fantasies and tell you how bodily pleasures connect you to the spirits in a very unusual way. I did that. I could see a twinkle in your eyes before you fell asleep in my arms. I could feel the radiance burgeoning on your face. Strong yet calm. That was the moment when I realized that you were all the stars I was looking for. I was a fool to have searched for them in the sky every night. The stars were your satiated eyes and the light was the radiance your face exuded that evening. Nature can throw curveballs at you in the most unexpected ways. My faith was restored yet again. I shall now believe in miracles for the rest of my life!
***

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